I am writing to you as you are hosting inside my brain and causing havoc to my emotions, my mental state and my physical state.
You emerged slowly throughout the years. Through school when I was bullied to now where I am insecure and don’t particularly like myself. You have seen that I am weak, so you have stricken me with worry and panic, caused rifts in my job, relationship and sometimes in my family. You have planted yourself so deep.
You make me feel so small, worthless and completely lost. You cause moods that effect everyone around me that I love. why? because you prey on people, you need someone to feed on in order to stay alive, your like a virus, but one that never leaves, that continues to slay me.
You have caused me to not be able to go in to work or go out to events. You make me feel and think things that aren’t true. You take over my body like a man eating disease, you control my mind. It’s not okay. You’re the devil that talks into my ear to tell me all my insecurities, to let me know I’m still that 12 & 16 year old girl that people decided to pick on, people that decided I was their target.
You remind of every bad thing that everyone has ever said about me, you never fail to let me know. Your ugly, physcho, bipolar, midget, weird, needy and plenty more. You never let me feel calm or relaxed. I am constantly on edge and worrying.. and its all because of you.
No matter what I try, your always there.
But even though you do all those things, I wont let you defeat me. I refuse to let you defeat me. I can’t get rid of you that is a given, you will always be there but I can do 2 things in order to control how you make me feel. 1. I can talk to a therapist which is booked in, they are going to help me figure out how to control you. 2. learn to love myself, because as soon as I find the strength and ability to love myself you will become something in the distance that may come around once or twice but you will not be in the position of power that you are currently in. I will get stronger. I will defeat you.
You have made the last few weeks hell, complete and utter hell. I hate you for it, but I appreciate you for it as well. The reason why is because you have opened my eyes to getting the help that I need. You have made me depressed and paranoid, but not anymore. It will get better from now.
I am Determined.
Your Host, Megan xo
P.S – Thank you to all that have supported me throughout this difficult time, especially my best friend Georgia, she was at the end of the phone with my first proper anxiety attack, who came to the doctors appointment that was needed and who understood me with everything without judgement. Your the best💖